Nothing original to say
All I can think of are partial thoughts and bad cliches
Had a vision, an insight
Could not hold onto it even long enough to write it down
Another pointless diatribe that no one will read
That is what you want though, for no one to read it
If you really believed that you would not be so afraid to write

In the game of importance

I
will
always
finish
last

Some say that it is because I allow it
the "some" being those rationalizing thoughts in my head
The tiny voices that I try and keep quiet with activity and alcohol
I no longer believe them
When I demand importance those around me view me as needy

Perhaps the real answer is that I am simply unimportant
I was less important than his drugs
I was less important than his daughter
I am less important then herself
I am less important than anything with tits
I am less important than her school
I am less important than his self-image
I am less important than his need to be right
I was less important than his need to fit in
I was less important than his religion
I was less important than his alcohol

That is a lot of less

I am less important than my need to be wanted
I am less important than my need for others to be happy
I am less important than a glimmer of a false hope
I am less important than a glimpse of skin
I am less important than a casual careless touch
I am less important then a genuine smile

I love me a good old pity party

Will there be a time when someone leaves and the thing they miss most is me

Without being important does one really exist. If this life is fleeting and I believe that it is, then the only thing that really lasts, that can not be taken away is memories. But if you are not important enough to remember then do you simply fade into nothing. Or do even faint memories bring immortality. Those vague brushes of thought against the conscious mind. The blurry idea of something that you can not quite put your finger on. Is that enough? Will that suffice. I guess I'd better hope so.

The rings I wear are memories forged in metal. Over time they have come to take on those memories in physical form.
My grandfather's ring:
Sturdy
Thick
Solid
Weighty
Restrictive
Simple
A bit scarred
Amazingly unique, but only if you look close
It fades on my finger, and has become a part of my skin, my blood, my being

J's ring:
Misshapen
Comforting
Amusing
Ever moving, ever changing
A bit irritating
Rough at times, but true forever

Every time I gently caress these bands of metal I think of the men who gave then to me. I think of who they were and are to me. I think of what they taught me and how they shaped me.

I have nothing to caress from the other. He left me with only tainted memories and bitter tastes. Bad habits and soul scars. I know that it was not all bad, but I do not have that constant security of why it was good. There is the scent, that makes me smirk.

Perhaps that is what we truly are. Simply slabs of plaster. Anyone can scratch or chip and you can never undo it. The indent is made and there is no erasing it. Someone else can come and try and chip in the same spot, but it takes much more work to obliterate it all and they have to know where to look. It is impossible to protect yourself from the sculptors. Even locking yourself in a box will not save you. Someone will get in and if they don't then that leaves a scratch as well. The very air we breath leaves a scratch. We are not even safe from the air.

The real question is can you scratch yourself. Can you pick up the exacto knife and make your own indents. Could you repair the damage done by others. I want my sandpaper. I need to smooth out some rough edges.

This has left the point, but because there wasn't a point to begin with then perhaps it is perfectly cohesive.

Wait

See

Listen

Hope

Despair

Rot

Glisten

Explode

Protect

Develope

Deteriorate

Delve

Did it ever occur to you that
I could be happy with just
Enough

Last that I checked
I had not asked for
Very much from any one, only
Enough

I could be happy
My needs could be met
People seeing me and wanting
Others has begun to
Rot my soul and
Time has planted the seed of doubt
And my furtive mind provides
Nourishment to the mold
That will eventually hollow me

What to say

What to say
When you are drifting away.
It is time to let go and try to find
The peace that all talk about
The joy that seems to touch all but me.
Surrounded by ellil, ever going tharn.
React?
No that just breeds further burrowing.
Relax?
No that just breeds deciet and unknowing.
Observe?
Perhaps, but from a distant heart.
Confide?
No longer, it will only bring resentment.
Hide
That is the answer, although the most inviting
And most difficult.
Your heart wants to be one place
But it was not meant to be there
To venture will be hard, but
Ultimately good for others and
No worse for yourself.
Fade away like the leaching light of summer
The remembrance of being warm
Wafting smells and lingering tastes
These are forever savored
And thus most treasured of sensations.
Here you will find what you seek.
A pity you will never know it.

Never changing

I thought distance, I thought time
I thought attitude, I thought family
Perhaps security, perhaps letting go.
I could be free and relieved.
Return with new sense
Things change, I change.
But alas is not to be
What will save me
How will I release.
Perhaps things are not as bad as I believe them to be.
I doubt it.
Return to mist, return to uncertainty.
Can I distract, can I accept.
Some day, that is what I am told
Some day
Where is this illusive some day.
Perhaps the distance was not great enough
Perhaps the time was not long enough
Perhaps the security was not sure enough
Perhaps it was simply lying below the surface
An ugly boil waiting to show.
However I am to survive I must do it better.
I will accept your new terms, I will try.
I will try to keep to myself and perhaps busy myself elsewhere
Why can't I depend on you in the end.

Why start this

First of all it seemed like everyone I know has some public forum to which they get to express themselves and have everyone view it in a very anonymous and safe environment. Secondly I am not sure it is simply that I am a bad person who has been socially conditioned to behave in public or if everyone has thoughts like I do and we just never discuss them. So this blog will be a social experiment to see if I am indeed a freak or if others will join me in freely expressing themselves.

A friend of mine reads the "rant and rave" section of craigslist all the time. I have read it a few times and find it simply distasteful. People seem to attack each other for the simple pleasure of attacking someone. There doesn't seem to be any real statement of idea, merely a blind desire to hurt someone. I really hope that this experiment does not turn into that type of forum.

So if not to simply bash people would I start this electronic diary of sorts. So that I can say the things that I long to say to others but out of social decency and the desire to not be socially ostracized I am forbidden to. Of course it has taken me about 3 weeks in order to drag up the nerve to actually start this and now I have nothing to say. Life can be very fickle sometimes. Ah well perhaps tomorrow will bring more stupid people into my life or strange situations. Until then perhaps someone will read this and want to post something.